O Love that Will Not Let Me Go

It's been a long week. If I had a dollar for every time I've been thrown up on since Sunday, I'd take myself straight over to Rose's Nails and get the best spa pedicure money could buy. Unfortunately, the only thing I have to show from my week as a nurse/janitor are some really dry, raw hands from all the washing/ hand gel/ antibacterial soap, and disinfecting I've been doing. Obsessively. I seriously think you can smell the Lysol from the road in front of our house. We've officially burnt a hole right in the ozone above double oak lane. Sorry.

I am tired. My body and soul are tired. It's Valentine's week...the week we celebrate LOVE and I'm not feeling it. Sad. This is one of my favorite holidays and I have as much fun as the kids doing crafts, making goodies. Not so much this year. We opened the Sachs' Infirmary Sunday and it's been five straight days of throw up around here. I'm surprised my washer and dryer haven't blown up, though I did blow a fuse.

I've had a little extra time on my hands during midnight shifts with sick babies....spent lots of time of praying. Reflecting. Thinking of Valentine Days long past...My first known loves-my parents always sent me flowers all the way til my wedding day. Thanks mom and dad!

I thought of funny experiences like hiding from a boy in 9th grade because he'd bought me roses. HA! I didn't like him and in my awkward, young teen way, decided the best option was to hide. In the dark. On the floor of the balcony at First Baptist Church with my best friend Courtney. (Aren't some of your best memories of growing up forged alongside of your childhood friends? She was more a sister than friend...irreplaceable.) Anyway, sprawled on the dark cold floor was the quickest thing that came to our minds. I guess we figured if he couldn't find me-he couldn't give me roses and I would avoid the whole embarrassing situation. (It was disastrous. Another post for another time.)

I thought of sweet memories...my first V-day dating my husband. All he gave me was a card that said "I'm so glad you're My Best friend." Kidd you not! Not my idea of romance then, but really, it was a beautiful picture of love. It took great restraint for a man to bridle his affections for the woman he loved. He was ardent in his quest to hold me in highest esteem ....fiercely guarding my heart....He waited until he was certain God was leading him to marry me before he kissed me! His purity has been a most treasured gift to me. We've spent 10 more Valentine's together since then. I grow more enamored with him every day and still ever "so glad he's my best friend".

Fresh memories....I have 4 new loves, little valentines -if you will- that look just like my prince and I. They have taught me more about love than I thought possible, stretched me beyond my limits and enlarged my heart a billion times its size! A mother's love is a powerful thing.

But tonight, and these past several nights as Cord has been away and the children have been so sick, I am remembering constant, steadfast, unfailing LOVE. Not love the emotion but Love the Person. God the Father, who set out on His rescue mission for His children 100s of decades ago. And Jesus the Son who left His throne and all the Glory of Heaven to lay down His life for me. Love poured forth from His wounds~ the red blood covered me~ washing me that I may be whiter than snow........

SO. On this tired, sickly Valentine's evening, I rest content with the "loves" of my life and in THE LOVE that will never let me go. Thank you Father for unconditional love.

O love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer fuller be.

O light that foll'west all my way,
I yield my flick'ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

I Am SOOO Laughing at myself!

Want to hear something funny? So I posted about my loathed new "my space" account yesterday and how next thing I knew some guy named Tom left me a message. Well, I don't know any Tom's and I sure the heck don't know what it means to have a message. As I was sharing this with my good friend Katy today, she started laughing and in a very gracious way, gently said

"Um, Heather, do you even know who Tom is?"

In much disgust I said NO! Just some random guy.

She then informed me he was the creator of My space and it was standard for everyone to get a message from him.

OH.

I really should get with the times.

My Space and Facebook.....what's a girl to do??

OK. So I will be the first to admit I really am behind the times when it comes to the new social networks. Chalk it up to my poor Mississippi public education, but if you took typing or computers, you were just not cool at our school. (Wait! Notice i said my school, not yours...you were probably light years ahead in curriculum.) For computers, you even had to leave the main building and go to the far end of the campus to the "trade building" for people not planning on furthering their education in a University. Didn't sound like fun to me. Needless to say, it has been much to my demise that I didn't take advantage of such classes in high school or college. I now get the pleasure of watching like a deer in head lights as people all around me navigate the web, speak a language I can't decipher,count their friends and work connections.....even my grandfather is ahead of me here. My Grandfather. Nice.

So what's the dilemma? The dilemma is that I have fought this tooth and nail for the last few years. I have stood up to peer pressure, resisted the most persuasive arguments and held fast. Until now. What pushed me over the edge?? A blog. It's all because of a blog. Cord and I are huge fans of Mat Kearney and love to hear the inspiration behind his songs....but to be privy to that means I have to have a my space account. Another favorite is Brennan Manning. Such a talented writer and much of his work has had a great impact on my life. Want to read his blog? Join my space. ***sigh***

So I did it. I now have a my space account I know nothing about. And I have that same feeling i did as I drove our shiny new minivan off the lot. What in the world. Never say never. Next thing I knew, I had a direct pass into these much sought after blogs and some guy named "Tom" sends me a message. And I don't even know what that means. But here's the thing and this is my question. How will this enhance my life? How will this hinder me? What are the pros and cons? I would really love to hear from you on the topic.

This is my issue with the whole FB/myspace thing. There are enough responsibilities and privileges pulling me in a million pieces do I really need one more distraction? One more reason to draw me away from my work, my mothering, my walk with the Lord? I mean, let me be real honest, it would be much more enticing to get out of the bed to see check if I had a "friend or whatever" than read God's word. I hate it, but its true. Do I want to open myself up to a host of potential issues? It is Pandora's box to me. Yall, I so would be one of those people who felt great when I had a friend and would feel like a loser when comparing my amount of friends to someone elses. Does this make sense. Any of you feel me here? If so, how do balance it? I don't know girls, I am not feeling great about it. I am much to prone to look to the approval of men to find my significance than to the King who delights over me with singing. Would it tempt me to "put that mask" back on that I have worked so hard to keep ripped off. ?

In Brennan Manning's book Abba's Child, he says that every one of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self.....an "impostor" as he refers to it.
"The impostor demands to be noticed. His craving for compliments energizes his futile quest for carnal satisfaction.....
"Impostors are preoccupied with acceptance and approval."
"Impostors draw their identity not only from achievements but from interpersonal relationships. They want to stand well with people of prominence because that enhances a persons resume and sense of self worth."

On the contrary, he goes onto explain that "sanctity lies in discovering my true self, moving toward it, and living out of it."
"While the impostor draws his identity from past achievements and the adulation of others, the true self claims identity in its belovedness....Define yourself radically as one BELOVED by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life."

***Do I really want to tempt the impostor to take over? Would my self worth be defined by something other than the fact that I am beloved by my Father?? What would be more important to me? Deep thoughts, i know. Real struggles. I'm a sucker. BUT. I love the quote "without your wounds where would His power be?" In the book The Wounded Healer, Henri Nouwen teaches us "that grace and healing are communicated through the Vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life. In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."

How I desperately want to serve my King. Authentically. With an undivided heart.

What would you do if you were me? Get on the FB/Space bandwagon, or keep my hand to the plow as I am. Need some input. I know sooooo many good things have come from these networks....how do you balance it. Do you ever regret becoming involved? Help.

What's a girl to do? Oh, what's a girl to do.........?

Heather

Ouch.

Jeremiah's teeth have been bothering him. We've been saving since his 1st birthday for braces, so i chalked it up to the shifting teeth coming in and going out of his mouth. I got suspicious when it hurt him to eat. A closer look, the problem was evident....a dark spot on a back molar. Yuck...a cavity. The poor kid was born with bad teeth! Enamel didn't form properly and what little was there, was damaged by lots of antibiotics as a toddler. Therefore, his teeth are very soft and prone to decay regardless of how well he brushes.
I called a new dentist who graciously worked us in. Since we're in a different part of town, I decided to try someone closer to us. New place, new face, a little uncertainty for my big guy. After a small hour and a half wait, we saw the dentist. I could tell from the x-rays that it looked bad. The cavity had gone incognito....decay running rampant under a tooth sealed with white filling. On the outside it looked ok. The inside was being eaten alive. Next to that bad tooth was another problem and like the first, the offense was taking place under the gum line. His 6 yr. molar (a permanent tooth) had positioned itself sideways and was coming in at an angel. As it moved closer to breaking through, it was eroding the roots of the baby molar next to it....2 of 3 roots gone and nerve almost exposed. The Dentist said he should do an emergency extraction of the teeth since they were damaged and would eventually fall out anyway. I took a deep breath. OK. The dentist and nurses began hustling around asking all sorts of questions about anesthesia, drug allergies, when was the last time he ate....Whoa. "So, I will just schedule a time to come back tomorrow?" (after all, it was now six p.m.) "No mam, we're gonna get this bad boy out now before it abscesses." Gulp. Wow. Ok, well, here goes nothing.

"J-man. Do you understand what's going on?" I asked. "Umhmm. My tooth has a cavity and he needs to clean the bad part up. My tooth needs to get fixed now, right Momma? "

"Yeah, buddy. But to fix it, they are gonna take it out so that it won't hurt you anymore. And they are going to take it out in just a minute. Can you be brave for me?"

"Sure. But why can't he just clean it and put a filling in it?" he offered.
"Because it's too sick. It's rotten on the inside and another tooth is pushing on it. The dentist will pull it out for you."
"Ok. But will it hurt?" "
"yes, I'm afraid it will hurt a little. But I will be right here and I will be praying for you to be tough." I said. How I hate to see my kids hurt. Even more, I hate to see them afraid.

Tentatively, we walked to a more specialized room, hooked him up to some gas and began the local anesthesia. When those big honking shots came out, I got a bit weak kneed! Thankfully, the nurse called me out to sign something. Since when did I become such a wuss??!!! I mean, I dream of being a nurse! I love to watch gross medical shows on TLC and Discovery. What in the world is wrong with me? It's just a little blood from teeth being pulled. But it wasn't that it was just a little blood....it was HIS BLOOD...my son's blood. And it was my baby in that chair whimpering in pain. OHHHH, Heather Sachs! You better suck it up and get your rear end back in that room. Now put your big-girl panties on and deal with this!!!!!
I rushed to his side and grabbed his hand from the nurses. He was moaning in pain. "Here. Grab my hand, Jeremiah. Squeeze me as tight as you can when it hurts." (well, maybe not that hard) Do you want me to say a verse for you??? "Yes! NOW!" he muttered. OK. Phil 4:13
"You can do all things through Christ who makes you strong." Prov. 18:10 "The name of the Lord is a strong-tower. The righteous run to it and they are safe." On and on we went until it was over. And I sighed with relief.

"OW. Ow. It still hurts, mama." I know, son. I know. But you were so brave and it's over now! I am so very proud of you. God was right here with us even in the pain, Jeremiah.

"I wish they didn't have to hurt me." I know. But it was the only way. It looked normal on the outside except for a little spot, but inside it was eaten with decay. It had to be taken out completely.

"You know what, momma. It's kinda like sin. It's ugly and it makes you feel bad." You're exactly right, Jeremiah! It is like sin. We can look ok and perform ok, but we are dying on the inside because the sin is eating our hearts away. And it took a lot of hurt. A whole lot of hurt to get rid of it. It took God sending His only Son Jesus, to die in our place for our sin. That hurt God and Jesus an awful lot. He took the pain so we didn't have to pay for our sin.

"I am glad God loves us that much." Me too, buddy. Me too. "Momma. Does this mean the tooth fairy comes tonight?" (oopps! GASP!) Yes, it sure does! (what in the world! I have no cash. I've got to start keeping some for these situations. Gosh, you'd think we'd learn....exhibit A "confessions of a rookie tooth fairy)

With a half grin, and a mouth packed with bloody gauze, we went on our way. The pain hung around for a while. And in the midst of it, he came and hugged me. He. Thanked. Me. My child, there hugging and thanking me for taking him to the dentist.

I wish I could thank my Father in the midst of my pain. Trusting Him with blind abandon that He knows what He's doing even though it hurts bad. Resting, not resisting the Almighty God I call Father and His Son who calls me His friend. Yes. I hope one day, I will learn to be thankful even for the pain.

"For without the shedding of blood, there can be no forgiveness of sins." ~Hebrews 9:22 " God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain...."~ C.S. Lewis

I feel full.

Do you ever just feel full? Not like, "i overate at thanksgiving" full, but full of gratitude? Thankfulness.? Blessed and perplexed by the grace of God poured out over you?

I don't always feel this way in my sin and selfishness, but tonight I do. I am overwhelmed at the thought that Christ redeemed me. He bought me with a price while I was yet still a sinner. I am blown away at how He has not given me what I deserved, but instead given me abundant life and life to the full!
I am amazed that in spite of some really stupid choices I made in my youth, the Lord protected me and blessed me with the Godliest man I've never known. Not Godly because he is perfect, but because he's courageous enough to face the sin and crap in his life and fall before the throne of grace in his time of mercy and need. I am amazed at work the Lord has done in our marriage....how He redeems what "the locusts have eaten"....and heals the broken places.
I am in awe at the beautiful, healthy children running around our house....the sound of feet on the wood floors we once thought we'd never hear.
I am full of thanksgiving for my family that has given me such Godly heritage and whom I am so proud of....who continues to show courage in the face of much opposition and who each faithfully walks with the Lord.
I am so very full of gratitude for our new church and our Pastor who shepherds us so faithfully and challenges us week after week.
I am so thankful for dear dear friends that pray with me, laugh with me, cry with me and go through "life" with me.

Yes. I feel very full tonight and just wanted to leave myself this "crumb" for the path, if you will. For I know all to well that feelings are fickle and self pity, fear and doubt will all wage war against me tomorrow and I want to remember this moment of feasting in the abundance of His goodness.
I want to close with a verse from my favorite song...it's my mantra, I guess. The Passion band performs my favorite version of it...Praise to the Lord the Almighty:


Praise to the Lord who over all things so wondrously reigneth....
Shelters me under His wings He so gently sustaineth....
And has thou not seen, How every desire has been....
granted in what He ordaineth.....Hallelujah. Hallelujah....Hallelujah.

Fourth, but not forgotten!

Happy Birthday Baby Jud!
My dear sweet fourth-born, how you have stolen the hearts out of all of our chests! Your smile lights up the room and brings joy to every face in our family. I know, I know. Everyone says that about their child. But you, little one, are extra special. From the day we found out about you, you have been a daily reminder of God's faithfulness. His grace. His promise to bring beauty from ashes and gladness instead of mourning.
I remember the day i drove myself back to the high-risk pregnancy clinic. My heart was still, quiet, pondering the emotions running through my mind. Was it too good to be true? Another little person to welcome into our family? Or would we know the pain of loss again. Up to that point, we were 3 for 7. Seven babies conceived-three surviving to draw breath apart from me. For us, the Lord stores up lots of prayer support before our babies are even born. And so we begin to pray for life. For your life. I was studying Romans, and the verse that jumped out to me was Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." I claimed it over and over.
The weekly doctors visits showed continued growth and as the Lord knit you together in my womb, you knit yourself in my heart. Daddy and I were excited to welcome either a baby boy or girl. But in our hearts, we hoped for a son. I'll never forget the first ultrasound picture of you...you were like 7 weeks gestational age. Your dad was striking up conversation with a hopeful grandmother in the waiting room of the doctors office. After seeing your little heart beat for the first time, we were over the moon. Dad was so excited he almost left one of the 20 pictures on the table in the waiting area. As we were leaving, the expectant grandmother said almost prophetically,"don't forget the picture of your son!" Our hearts smiled.

We haven't stopped smiling.
Your brother and sister were ecstatic about your upcoming arrival. We found out you were a boy on Jeremiah's first day of kindergarten. We went out to eat at Wings and came home to surprise them with the news. Jeremiah hoped for a brother. Ellie hoped for a sister to name Sally. And Saddler, well, Saddler just really really wanted a dog. (But no worries! She now loves you soo much that she wants to marry you.) Joy. Pure joy was what we felt at the news we would have a son. I cried tears of happiness and your brother and sisters cheered.

The days flew by and the time drew near for you to come. Your due date was January 8-same as your big sister's. But like her, we didn't think you'd make it til then. Against medical advice, we decided to celebrate Christmas in Guntersville. (The dr. told me not to go without towels and a bulb syringe b/c I'd never make it to a hospital) We prayed you'd hold out at little longer. We held our breath until we reached Birmingham city limits on the evening of the 26th. You would know- at midnight, my water broke and you were on your way. Milma and Aunt Tegan hurried down to be with us and we heard your sweet cry at 6:43 a.m. Long night. Lots of laughter and tears. And the sweetest bundle of joy was placed in my arms. Everyone was thrilled.

Judson Simeon. Quite a namesake! Judson-coming from my favorite missionary Adnirom Judson. And Simeon-a biblical name inspired by the righteous and devout man of faith whose eyes longed to see the Messiah. Thus your name embodied our prayer for you...for your heart to desire to bring the hope of the gospel to the ends of the earth; and like Simeon in Luke 2, that your eyes would long to see Jesus.

The doctors and nurses were great at the hospital! They would come visit our room just to laugh at the chaos of our little big family! Your brother and sisters were entertainment for the entire labor and delivery floor and it was very hard for Ellie to go home without you that night. But we needed a little more time. On the evening before we were to be discharged, you didn't eat well and your little body temp kept dropping. As usual, we opted to let you have a slumber party in the nursery so we could rest and that turned out to be providential. A little after midnight the nurses ran in our rooms, turned on the lights and urged us to quickly get dressed. You were stripped down and in a transport cart. You had stopped breathing and your little heart had stopped. Confused and exhausted, we rushed to the NICU. And never in my life have I felt so incredibly helpless. I can still hardly look at the pics of you with needles and wires and not cry! It was the scariest night of my life. We sat vigil by your "pod" stroking your little head and hoping for the chance to hold you in our arms. I think I wore a hole in the carpet by your bed rocking and praying....rocking and singing....rocking and reading God's word to you. I cried. A lot. Especially when Jeremiah would pray for you "to not die" and beg for you to be healed and for your little heart to strengthen. Hours turned to days and the days seemed to last a week and finally, on January 5th we brought you home!! Turned out you had really bad reflux and it was easy to treat. You came home hooked up to a machine that monitored your heart rate and breathing and although all the beeps drove us crazy, we were thankful nonetheless! You came home surrounded by love and no one could get enough of you! Ellie was like another little momma and jeremiah would hold you and tell you all that he was going to teach you. So sweet!


When you were 8 weeks old,we moved to a new house. Aghhh! You were a champ! You were such a good eater and slept great. You stayed in your bassinet right beside my bed until you were almost 6 months old....my friend Misty joked that you were gonna sit up and walk right out of there one day.BUT. It didn't seem to bother you much. You had no real schedule....ballet and and baseball, soccer and swimming lessons...always on the go. So much for nap times and room times and all those other "times" a fit mother might offer her child. But I believe you're better for it! You have no milestones recorded in a book and I don't have a clue when you ate your first foods or sat up or rolled over. As for your favorite toys...you really like the water bottles in the pantry and you love to climb in the dishwasher. Toilet paper provides endless fun for you and crayons make great teething props. You have no age appropriate toys and seem blissfully happy anyhow.

I do remember that I nursed you for the last time over thanksgiving and I cried. And the next day, you took your first steps. You won't keep shoes on your feet to save your life and I love kissing your chubby toes. My favorite time with you is rocking you before your nap or before bedtime. If I sing, you clap and sign "more". God love you! And you bestow wet kisses on us all. Yes, Jud, your first year of life has been a delight. You have brought new life and hope and joy to us all. I can't believe its been a year. ...Well, actually like 13months. (and we still haven't given you a party) Oh well. Happy Late Birthday Jud-Bud! You are such a gift to us!

We love you dearly!

You've Come a Long Way, Baby!