Musings of a Mother!

So here goes nothing. I am attempting to "blog" on my own! HA! For those of you who know me well, you're getting a kick out of this. Maybe if I can discipline myself to actually keep somewhat up to date here, my kids will have a little way to remember their childhood...since they won't have scrapbooks to chronicle their lives and times. Another story for another time I guess.

when you look into the eyes of your firstborn! Such a gift and such a visible reminder of God's faithfulness. Jeremiah has been different from the get go-a tender little boy. Our servant-warrior. Very perceptive of the people and feelings around him...his heart has a strong bend to spiritual things unlike anything I've ever seen and he has wisdom regarding things of the Lord beyond his years. I am often convicted by his desire to pray about everything and desire to have faith like his...strong, trusting, accepting of God's perfect plan. My sweet Jeremiah! Always thinking of others and taking care of us! I stood over his bed tonight, pushed back his hair and kissed his head. I looked around at the contraptions he's working on (always rigging some kind of bow and arrow or slingshot or sword) tried not to let out a yelp as i stepped on one of his lego figures and as I turned to go, I thought about how much I missed today. How impatient I was as he recapped every detail of the story the teacher read...how I missed a great opportunity to encourage him about the excellent work he's doing on his penmanship...how I missed really paying attention to Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop" as he read. And my heart hurts. I miss my man...too busy again today. I whispered a prayer over him and moved onto the girls room. My girls! Ellie-girl. She's such a sight! She looks like something straight out of the movies! So picture perfect and teeny tiny! Always has been for her age...she came into the world at a whopping 5lbs and some odd ounces and praise God because she came upside down and backwards! Yep...a missed breech birth. Fun. She proved from very early on that she would do things her on way and always has for the last 5 years! She does know how to make an entrance. She was the tiniest little bald/white headed baby I'd ever seen! She didn't smile on demand like Jeremiah. She saved her smiles for when and only when she was ready. She had this killer-look even as a baby where she'd just look at you with these big pensive blue eyes and stare you down. But boy would she light up like a Christmas tree when she would tease her big brother! She started provoking him when she was only 12 months old. What a mess!!! She likes to laugh...and talk...speaking complete sentences at 18months ,and she's not stopped talking since. She's a complex little person...a beautiful combination of a delicate little ballerina...graceful and fair yet a thrill seeker! (She loves roller coasters...the faster and higher the better. This summer she rode in the 3 seater tube all by herself in the middle of lake Guntersville for half an hour. She loved every minute of I've often said I wish I could video every minute of my day from start to finish so I'll one day remember what it was like being a mother to 4 kids seven and under. Some parts would be painfully boring, others would be hysterical, and some would be sad I am certain. Every night at about this time, I am left with an ache in my soul and a very heavy heart. After packing lunches, laying out school clothes, checking folders and lining up backpacks....after rocking my sweet baby Judson and stealing just one more kiss from his sleepy head,I sigh. I am grateful for the chance to take a breath, yet haunted by the quiet. I have just gone around checking on everyone ...so beautiful and peaceful lost in sweet sleep. I think of what gifts they are to me and marvel at the amount of love I have for them. Jeremiah. My firstborn son. (Firstborn for us takes it to a whole new level. Jeremiah was our 4th pregnancy. We'd had 3 other pregnancies end in miscarriages. We believe without a doubt that Jeremiah was set apart from the beginning. (Jer.1:5, Ps 139) He started out as a tubal pregnancy. The night before I was to go have him "removed" or dissolved depending on where in my body he was found, we poured out our hearts before the Lord...asking for mercy, begging for Him to uphold this little one's life. He answered graciously and 7 1/2 months later, Jeremiah drew his first breath. Oh there are no words to describe the momentit.) Ellie's my little momma. She's loved babies since she could walk...always toting one with her. She is a nurturer and loves to take care of us. I call Ellie my shadow!!! She is almost always right under my feet. She looked like an angel tonight as I kissed her little face...she sleeps perfectly-face up, blond hair spilling over her pillow and her face relaxed almost in the form of a smile. I missed Ellie today. She started kindergarten this year and I was caught off guard by the void left in my heart. It's so quiet without her here! I wish I would have taken more time to laugh with Ellie today...to look her in the eyes and tell her how very proud of her I am. She needs to hear that from me. I wish I would have spent more time helping her write her numbers than trying to fix supper and clean up. My heart aches. I move just a few steps over to Saddler-a.k.a. "Bruiser"! Saddler was a surprise gift from the Lord and hasn't stopped surprising us for one minute! She is ever so proud to be 3 and can't wait to be a "ballet gurl" just like her big sister! As Ellie is our blond beauty, Saddler is our brunette bomb shell as her Daddy calls her. Olive skinned and strikingly beautiful. Saddler. Enough said. I grin thinking about her! She is a sheer delight...the comic relief of the family! You never know what she will do or say next. I often say we are either laughing at her or disciplining her! Saddler is my free-spirit. She is strong, independent, content to play on her own, yet always the first to make a crew of friends anywhere she goes. She's so charismatic and her captivating looks and personality draw people to her. I am so thankful for the time I have to spend with just her this year. Where as Ellie is my shadow, Saddler is more elusive....many times mischievous , but lots of times just lost in her own little fun world. If I'm not careful, I'll miss her all together during the day as she demands the least from me. Verbally, that is. Physically, she can without failing, be found by the trail of disaster leading to her. She can get into more things than my others put together! We are constantly laughing at the predicaments she finds herself in or the funny things she says. Saddler loves to laugh and make others laugh with her. She's infectious and has the funniest facial expressions in the world. I missed taken the time to Play with Saddler today. REally play with her, not just pacify her for a minute while I catch up on the endless pile of laundry. She'll ask several times, "Mommy, will you pway wiff me?" Content with my feeble excuses, she eventually will stop asking and that makes me sad. One day i will give anything to hear that little voice utter those words. As I look at "Bruiser" (with bandaids and bruises literally all over) I kiss her sweet lips and she sighs and rolls over uncovering a host of trinkets and toys piled in the bed with her. Each day, she attaches herself to a new thing and often the smallest of things....a random barbie shoe, a plastic "jewel"from a craft, a tiny stuffed animal. I wonder what it will be tomorrow. Tomorrow. Something about that word gives me hope and haunts me at the same time. Maybe tomorrow I'll get it right. I'll really listen to my kids, not be distracted with dinner and housework. Play with them and gladly take the invitation to come into their worlds. Maybe tomorrow I won't miss the little things...the seemingly unimportant accomplishments that one day will be priceless. How I long with all that is in me to be a better mom. Day in and day out I find myself caught in some form of purgatory between wishing the time away til bedtime or trying to escape the guilt of another "coulda shoulda woulda" day. As I draw this day to a close and realize I will never get it back, I am sad. Yet not without hope! For I am reminded of my God and Father...Of His Sovereignty and sufficiency....of how my Father is the perfect parent. The fact that His word tells me He showers me with grace....and his mercies are new every morning keeps me going. One of my favorite verses is found in Is. and it paints a word picture that gives me so much hope...it says "He gathers His lambs in His arms, and gently leads those who have young." I am thankful for a patient, loving, wise Father and know not what else to do, but to ask for his strength and grace and seek His wisdom to love better Tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus, for calling me your own. Thank you God, for the gift of your Son. Nite Nite.