Windows

Night has fallen and it's silent in the house. No sounds of feet running up and down stairs, no little voices calling out the last "Mommy pleases" before their eyes succumb to sleep. No, not this evening. It's unusually quiet...only the hum from the ceiling fan and the rhythmic breathing of their slumber can be heard. There is something different about tonight...there is almost a sacredness hanging in the air....sweet and tender and so peaceful I almost afraid to move.

I am at loss on how to capture it with words...I don't know if it's something human language can explain. It's more a conversation of the heart. Tonight, they gave me the privilege of catching a glimpse into their little souls. I am basking in the awe of having had the opportunity to peek through a window into their hearts....And it feels, well, Holy. Perhaps, that's just what it is. God the Father- through the power of the Spirit- slowing my busy mind and hands down enough to not miss this moment. Sadly, this is rare for me. There's always so much to do and bedtime routines are just one more thing to check off my list before I can have some time to myself. Tonight was different for reasons known only to Him and I am thankful.

It happened at the conclusion of our nightly Bible reading. There were no flashes of lightening or rolls of thunder...just little hearts wanting to share and a mother willing to listen. Our story was from Matthew when Jesus tells us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or what we will wear...is our worth not far more than that of the little sparrows??? And so the question I asked to all of us was "what do you worry about?" They each thought, and then answered. Ellie worries about bad dreams. Jeremiah worries when we aren't back from a "date" until late that something has happened to us and police put us in jail. Saddler worries that a bad guy will shoot her daddy with a gun and he won't be able to get home to get his sword to fight back with. Silly. Disturbing. Comical. Sad. Those words came to mind as each voiced their fears....far fetched worries yet legitimate in their minds.

"Mommy worries too," I tell them. I watch their curious eyes search me -waiting for me to go on.

"I have a hard time not worrying. I don't want to worry...I want to trust God more and grow in not having any worries. But I worry. I worry about you-that you might get hurt or very sick. I worry about Daddy while he travels-and I always worry that I am not being a good enough mom to you guys or that one day, you won't love God!" Carefully yet deliberately I chose my words. Careful, so as to spare them the details of the horrific fears I battle with when it comes to the thought of losing them or my husband. Deliberate in the fact that they have the right to see a flawed, sinful mother who seeks to cling to the cross as best I know how.

Their sweet faces tilt, and take in my words with deep compassion...they understand. We share that common bond. And then Jeremiah, my seeker of wisdom, asks what I do when I worry? Easy to say, hard to do-I simply answered, "PRAY." That became a springboard which plunged us into a deep conversation of taking thoughts captive, replacing them with good thoughts, saying a favorite verse over and over, or thinking about whatever it is that brings joy...for those are the things of God. Weapons in our hands to do battle in the war against worry.......

Our time closed in family prayer and the sweetest recitation of scripture my ears have ever heard. We are memorizing Psalm 139 and together, their precious voices raised boldly to proclaim:

"O Lord. You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up. You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my paths and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, Behold, O Lord! You know it altogether. You hem me in behind and before and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me! It is high, I cannot attain it."

Kisses and hugs were given all around and quiet fell upon the house. It's too rich to explain. I know how poorly I am doing at this attempt. But it's just to special to overlook in a hurry to catch the latest news.

I sought my favorite commentary sight preceptaustin.org for more thoughts from those verses to meditate on. This is what I found:

"...And art acquainted with all my ways." Thou art familiar with all I do; nothing is concealed from thee, nor surprising to thee, nor misunderstood by thee. Our paths may be habitual or accidental, open or secret, but with them all the Most Holy One is well acquainted. This should fill us with awe, so that we sin not; with courage, so that we fear not; with delight, so that we mourn not. ~Charles Spurgeon

To think that the God of the universe knows me, created me, feeds/clothes/provides/plans my days out for me even before the beginning of time.... This deity,God, is the one I call Father. Tonight, I rest in the truth that I am known intimately by Him, hemmed in by Him, and laid down under His watchful eye with His Hand upon me. That is an amazing thought to me and I am so thankful. Thankful for His love and thankful for the unexpected gift of having been given a window with which to see my children's souls.